I tell people I feel old (29 hits in about 2 weeks), and most of them already have more years on the clock than me. I even got called ‘lad’ the other day, ha ^^ what a blessing. But feeling old for me isn’t about how much is behind me.
See, when I look at the mountain of lives I wish to lead, experience I wish to share, ideas to tumble-down into and moments to feel alive in, I see a demand one lifetime can’t supply.
When someone asked me ‘Why don’t you go skydiving again?’, my response was that the second time I might rather try kite surfing. Or maybe that money and time goes into the Japanese classes I want to continue with. Yet I’d love to skydive again, it’s amazing, it’s exhilarating, it’s freeing to live that instant when your entire existence quakes inside, unsure if it will continue or end right there.
But the list doesn’t stop there. Lazy sleep-in Sunday mornings, coming back to the same door you’ve gotten to know over a few months, ordering that go-to dish at the hawker you’ve come to love for her sweet chili sauce, these are all experiences on there as well. We haven’t even touched on building a family or teaching some young whipper-snapper the reasons he’s grounded.
And living a life fully doesn’t mean running through it headfirst all the time, at least not to me. I already struggle to remember so much, sometimes my list includes quiet times, times to write and express, times to cry and reminisce over things lost. Sometimes there are even times when I waste some time, simply to enjoy the luxury of being able to do so.
They say old is relative, age is just a number, it’s all in your head as long as your heart keeps beating. For me old is a ratio, and currently I’m already so old my dream to be a 100 doesn’t come close to satisfying it.
That said, and including my sad little insecure fear of one day also dying, I’m glad I won’t live forever. It’s a knowledge that breeds resilience and resolve to keep on climbing this mountain of wants. It rages inside when my perseverance starts giving in and guards a tiny piece of my heart when the rest takes a tumble.
So it might sound a little funny, but now and then I hope you feel old too ❤